Questioning God

Have you ever had a walk with God?  I mean really… heart to heart. Unloading your heart with raw emotion. Well… let me tell you, it doesn’t always go as according to plan.

In this day and age…. we want instant response, quick answer. Everything is at our fingertips…. but not answers we want from God. With Him we need patience and time and to be honest we all lack in that department.

I love walking along the country side, taking time with our creator. This is my favourite pass time. Honestly, this is when I really lay my burdens down. If you will … I leave my anxieties, my failures, and my worries at His feet. I take that time to reflect how blessed I am and how much I need Him. I can not imagine doing life without Him. I seek His strength because I am just a weak vessel. I need my Captain, to man the ship. 

As I wait on His direction and ultimate peace. I try not to be anxious about “anything ” in life. I do find comfort in the fact He loves me. I never used to be apprehensive to get out of my comfort zone. Now, I would prefer to only be in my comfort zone. I almost have to coax myself to get going. I do not enjoy crowds anymore, where I used to light up a room. I feel my zeal has just faded and I’m ok with being in my own company. Is it that I am putting up a protective barrier around me. 

I question why we are put in situations that cause us to stress more than we need to? I question my purpose? Lately, I’ve questioned God and no I did not get instantaneous answers…. I’m in waiting.

I know I have evolved or changed in these past few years. Yes, grieving (you may get tired of me saying it but it is what it is) grieving has taken something from me. I’m more in tune with who I am now. Essentially who I want to be or even who I want to spend my time with. Yet I still question… is this barrier I place around me a “good” thing?

Negative forces really pull me down into a spiral whirlwind, that I realize I need to distance myself from these negative forces in my life. Life is short. Why must I force myself into a situation knowing the outcome? Is it just going to hurt me in the end? Why do I try to please people and really put there feelings above my own? Why do people have so little regard for the person sitting beside them?

I question myself…. right or wrong, there is no easy way out. The only way to face any storm in life …. is head on! I just wish …. just wish, I didn’t feel I need to put my battle armour on. I feel in these moments…. I am so alone. No matter how much I ask others to pray for me, I feel so alone. Not in a sad way… I know God is walking with me. I’m alone and I’m ok in my own space… I’m not sad about it. It just surprises me because I used to be the biggest social butterfly out there. 

Yes, in this moment I’m seeking His wisdom, direction and even clarity. Sometimes, I just have to yell it out in frustration because I feel no one hears me. I know I have His attention…. I just need to trust Him more. 

As I learn to trust in Him and seek Him I am thankful for the friends that believe, motivate and encourage me along the way. To my unsung heros, my prayer warriors, I need you in my life and I’m so blessed to be able to call you my friends, you are more than that. You are my family, my sisters and brothers. I always wanted a big family… interesting how God fills that for me!

I still question God, even when I seek His guidance. Patience is not my strong suit. Yes sometimes, I’d like to have a road map printed and laid out in front of me. Well, life is not like that. Am I a doubting Thomas? I don’t believe I am…. I don’t doubt God’s grace nor His infanent wisdom. Maybe, it’s the fact I’ve changed so much…. I question and doubt myself. Perhaps even second guessing myself… where I never used to. Yes, life is a journey and no road map to tell us which way to go. We learn as we go. I just pray that I keep seeking and doing His will. No matter how hard life may get or the obstacles that may fall in my path…. that I will still surrender my own stubborn will and follow where He leads me. 

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