Broken Record

I realize in some of my posts….. going back, I have repeated myself on occasion. As I see it…. this is my journey, I’m taking ownership and stating my claim. Somedays this is how I feel, it may seem maindane to some, repetitive to others, Or captivating because sadly you can somewhat relate to my grief. This is where my heart is at. Never to be the same again, forever changed.

Do I feel broken beyond repair? I used to. I honestly did not know how I’d survive the loss of my sister. The grief was all consuming. My heart felt as if it shattered into debri not knowing how to go on. Every breath felt laboured, every step forward was forced. Every morning I woke up…. I’m alive. I felt guilty, Yet …. I was blessed …. or even spared my thought was….why? What does God want from me? 

Honestly, the grief felt as if I was slowly being suffocated. I struggled with every breath I took. To make a simple decision was exhausting, still is at times. I remember driving my vehicle shortly after my sister died and I could not remember if I stopped at a stop sign, used my turn signal or let alone how I made it home. I’m thankful for God’s hand guiding me through this journey, literally grabbing the wheel and getting me home safely. 

As broken as I have been and sometimes still feel. The hurt in my heart isn’t as painful. I find to talk about her is keeping her memory alive, and I don’t breakdown at the mention of her name. I know it’s been a few years. I needed time, grief is a process we need to go through. I believe it will take a lifetime. With that said…. I feel that I’ve been groomed in away to cope, I’m in a better place than I was. Life is a journey and I am thankful for each day because each day is a gift. 

It’s not that I have forgotten her, I never will. It’s just gotten easier to breath. I have a new normal, or I walk at a totally different pace. Not that life will ever be so called “normal” again. I am making the best of this life, I have left. I am so thankful for this life I have been give. 

I have a husband and three amazing boys, that give me that constant drive. To make this world, we live in just a little brighter. I am thankful. Life hasn’t been easy but it is good. 

Everyone’s journey is different. I feel empowered by being able to express myself this way and allowing others to see how far I’ve come. To me, it is a huge accomplishment. Yes, some may think I’m putting too much out there. I’m not forcing anyone to read my blog, this is my story, my journey and my soul purpose is to help someone along there journey as well. If I can help lighten someone else’s load …. it’s worth it. 

I’ve enjoyed blogging and I have come across some inspirating writers that are sharing there journeys as well. It is helping me understand more, of the terminal side, I feel I’ve needed this kind of therapy. It’s my outlet,  My hideaway, my place to call my own. My voice when really …. I don’t want to speak. Yet…. inside me, deep down there is so much that I feel the need to express. It’s just easier for me to put it on a screen in front of me. That’s how it is for me, again it maybe different for someone else.

I am Becoming more vulnerable as a writer allows me to really dig into getting to know me. Crazy as this sounds…. I’m extremely proud of myself,  for being vocal, for allowing myself to recognize I needed an outlet. Stretching myself out of my comfort zone. Not becoming isolated in my own thoughts. I believe we all need to find a way to express ourselves. I am thankful for my source of expression and my form of healing. No matter what happens in this lifetime…., I can honestly say I’m no boxer but I sure know how to put up a good fight! 

“To survive it is often necessary to fight and to fight you have to dirty yourself.” -George Orwell-


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