I have seen our children grow up faster and a little more before there time. Sometimes I feel they have been robbed of a childhood. That child likeness is gone. They have been molded differently. As the changes in our lives have prepared them to be these amazing young men that we are blessed to call our sons.
Not too long ago, our oldest and I were talking. I mentioned something in passing…. how I didn’t remember an event. He replied…. ” you weren’t really there….you were but you weren’t.” Ok …. come again?! I was confused. Then he explained… “After Auntie Lisa died… you died too. We lost you for a very long time. It took you a long time to smile again.” I apologized and wished I could’ve “been there in the moment ” He told me how hard it was to watch me go through and see my heart break into a million pieces knowing no one could fix it.
Yes, we have experienced a great loss. I have changed. Our kids have changed. They are more caring and sensitive to the ones hurting around us. They are very intune when this mama is having a day, “a Lisa day”. Missing her a lot…. but the boys seem to fill that void and cover me with hugs. Even if they are towering over me now, they still show love.
I am proud of the young men they are becoming. I often think change is good, didn’t realize this change would rock us all. It felt like my foundation was shaken and I had major structural damage. I realized I needed to be carried. And my husband and kids did just that.
In moments of grief …., grocery shopping was a challenge to say the least. Thank goodness for cell phones and my kids on the other end walking me through the grocery excursion, until I was in my vehicle and the key in the ignition. Moments I should not have been behind the wheel. God’s grace again watching over me.
Sometimes I’m sad because our kids grew up without me being “present ” there in that time and place. Again, God’s divine plan was at work. I’m thankful for the teachers that each of my kids had, each one walked with our kids and allowed them space and gave them the security to talk to them. God sees the big picture and I don’t.
Sometimes I talk about Lisa and get misty eyed, yes the tears come. Sometimes I will share stories of her because Lisa was always one to light up a room. I just let my tears fall if they come, honestly I’ve come to a point I don’t care who sees me cry. This is my journey…. no one else’s. Yet, I feel compelled to share my experiences. It has taken me a few years but I believe we are here for a purpose.
Everyone’s journey in life is so different. We may have similar experiences where we understand each other. Walk beside a friend but can never quite grasp the depth of the pain they are dealing with.
For quite sometime after my sister’s death, I felt so alone. I got annoyed with Facebook posts about sisters…. I went off social media for awhile because I couldn’t handle everyone else’s life was picture perfect and mine seriously sucked. My Go To person was gone. My only sister gone.
My friends tried to fill the void but honestly….. no one can. She is irreplaceable. No one will ever replace her. No one ever will…. as grief continues to work it’s way thru me.
I don’t know if it is the season or weather or what is going on that I miss her more and more lately.For anyone that sees me, my outer shell is very well put together. Inside, I’m broken and some days, just some days I feel I’m beyond repair.
I do admit…. somedays I just put my best foot forward and “fake it till I make it”… attitude takes it from there. Call it survival mode. We do what we can to face the day ahead.
Sometimes I catch myself….. whispering to myself…. “five more steps, you can do this. Don’t make eye contact. Just keep moving. ” I used to say I’m my own therapist…. actually I agree with that and I’m pretty good too!